Thu, 24 October 2013
"Like a nine year old trying to rebuild a motorbike."
Not a description of Jim and Martin attempting to produce a remotely professional podcast but the words of a very unusual lady...
Sigh with ennui as Jim and Martin try to understand The Doctor's Wife, despite failing ever to have done so with their own.
Yes, it's that surreal saga where the TARDIS trio land on a friendly planet and witness the exciting new dance duo 'Patchwork People', who put on a memorable show despite possessing three left feet between them.
And where the House Grill speciality is a meaty, sausage-fingered hand in a questionable bap.
But what does Jim keep in his sculleries? And, after 50 years of the show, has Martin really developed an allergy to watching people run through corridors?
Find out in the podcast which is definitely smaller than it appears from the outside.
Tue, 1 October 2013
"The great god Vulcan must be enraged. It's so volcanic. It's like some sort of volcano."
Marvel as the next Doctor forges new vocabulary before your very eyes…
Yes, it's Peter Capaldi, in a previous life, as a patriarch who escapes a pumice pummelling. But it's David Tennant as the legendary Time Lord who saves his future self from The Fires of Pompeii, with the aid of his trusty Water Pistol of Death.
It's a tale of armless augurs, stony seers and Sybelline Sisters as born-again Welsh folk Mr and Ms Spartacus end up with prime seats for the Monsters of Rock.
Are fixed points in time pointless? Has Amy Pond branched out into Sister-of-Karn-o-grams? And is the only way up for danders?
Listen in as Jim and Martin, neither household names nor household gods, let their thoughts erupt.
Thu, 12 September 2013
"Lots of planets have a north!"
Yes, the grinning, jug-eared bloke from Northern Gallifrey makes his debut in 2005’s seminal legend-resuscitator, Rose.
Everyone’s favourite chav, the eponymous Rose Tyler, has a bronze medal in under-7s gymnastics, a boyfriend who goes from annoying to plastic to basket case in 45 minutes and a Mum who all but twerks at passing strangers.
No wonder she fancies a spot of travel. But first she must deal with plastic non-students, a disembodied arm, an internet weirdo and an angry vat of custard. These things happen when a benevolent alien blows up your job.
So what do Jim and Martin make of their tentative foray into nascent NuWho? Find out here (just don’t mention the belching wheelie bin).
Thu, 22 August 2013
"This cannot be how it ends!"
Well it damn nearly was.
Yes, it's time to reconsider the 1996 Paul McGann TV Movie, with its gun fights, fist fights, car chases, snogging and schmaltz (no way was this an American production!).
The Doctor is now only half-Gallifreyan with a naff syrup and an Addams Family interior design sense, while the Master is now part-snake, part-personal lubricant dispenser, with a penchant for "drezzing" up.
Thank Bod for Amazing Grace with her static tear and innate knowledge of Time Lord temporal mechanics and for Chang Lee's hip high-fiving - keeping us well and truly anchored to the Eighties in this Millennial tale.
So did Jim and Martin enjoy their Whocation in North America? Or did they yearn for Blighty with its breadline budgets, cramped sets and silly CSO? And what do they think of Peter Capaldi's casting as the 12th Doctor?
Listen here to find out, y'all!
Fri, 19 July 2013
“I haven't got no mum and dad. I've never had no mum and dad and I don't want no mum and dad. It's just me, all right?”
So who’s this perishin’ apple-cheeked cockernee urchin then? Why, it’s Ace! And she joins the show in 1987’s Dragonfire, which mercifully closes Season 24.
It’s a frosty fable involving a wobbly-headed ANT, some woeful ice statuary and a frigid frozen food salesman.
A screamer leaves, a street yoof joins, a permed old rascal returns, and the Doctor reveals that he is in fact not half-human, but half-lemming.
Who is the little girl (and why)? Does it really take 3,000 years to set up a moderately successful branch of Iceland? And would you buy a fish finger from a homicidal maniac?
Jim and Martin ponder these questions and more (e.g. “Isn’t there something better on another channel?”) so join them as they break the ice and chase the dragon…
Sun, 16 June 2013
"Chop Suey, the Galactic Emperor"
The elusive Robin Bland serves up this dubious dish, with a hefty helping of hairy kebab meat, in 1976's The Brain of Morbius.
But it's still a more appetising proposition than the Liquorice Bootlace Surprise at Chez Mehendri, a Bohemian bistro with a red, white and green wine list.
The latest renegade Time Lord may be half man/half Macra with a goldfish bowl bonce but he's not the only patchwork person around. He's joined by a bearded old crone who's a cross between Chuck Heston and one of his Apes, and a home help who's equal parts Richard III, Liam Gallagher and Abu Hamza.
Sarah goes blind and the Doctor gets blind drunk but sobers up in time to blind the Sisterhood with chimney sweep science. Then Morbius broadsides us with a colossal non-canon ball - the bombshell that Tom Baker is, in fact, the mystery 12th Doctor.
It's lively, it's loony and it's lurid so listen in as Jim and Martin bend their minds in an attempt to make sense of it all.
Sat, 18 May 2013
The Doctor reacts badly to the news of Girls Aloud splitting up. Luckily, the Krynoid Podcast is here to take his mind off it.
After giving Cold War, Hide and Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS the once-over, Jim and Martin travel back in time to 1974 for Death to the Daleks - a tale of disarmed Daleks, operatic Exxilons and homicidal hoovers from the City of Dave.
They play 'Spot the Terry Nation Trope' while also wondering just how terrifying a patch of two-toned flooring can be.
With an empty Dalek 'standing' about and a blushing high priest channeling Spike Milligan, they ask 'Who is the real goon?'
Wed, 17 April 2013
"Nobody wants you. Nobody needs you. Nobody cares!"
Well that's the review of Timelash done then.
Nevertheless, Jim and Martin gently tap themselves into the unrealistic Kontron tunnel of the title to see if they can't discover a gem or two.
Baker's baubles get harnessed and Peri unleashes her inner damsel in distress, while Avon dons a Dick 3 wig and channels Henry Irving.
The toga-togged Karfelans are menaced from above by Muppet cobras and from below by overgrown slowworms, little knowing that their dastardly dictator is actually half the man he used to be.
Can the Doctor free them from this terrifying regime, where beekeepers and body-popping androids are a pain in the neck and where 'Tinsel Inside' is considered the highest mark of quality for time technology?
Is Timelash as bad as the fan Hive Mind decrees?
Yes… indeed… it… is…
Thu, 21 March 2013
"Something is coming to our village... something very wonderful and strange."
So is the Davison two-parter The Awakening "wonderful and strange"?
Well the sets are certainly wonderful and there are some rather strange goings on in Little Hodcombe.
There's a bad-wigged nutter with a tinclavic stress ball, a one-eyed beggar with a penchant for ladies' handbags and Ben Wolsey's infamous Reproduction Room, for starters.
Where does old Big Face keep his body? Would an incredulous guppy make a good companion? And just who is the old fella with the wizened chesticles?
Listen as Jim and Martin awaken their feeble brain cells and try to answer these questions, while distinguishing set from location, real person from projection and, rather more easily, stroppy air hostess from straw May Queen.
Thu, 28 February 2013
“The age of man is over, Doctor. The age of the virus has begun.”
Oh dear. Time to run this file through McAfee then?
No. Fret Not. These words are spoken by a giant prawn to a Time Lord, just after exiting his body through his tear duct. Yes, this can only be Tom Baker’s bonkers brain-centric epic, The Invisible Enemy.
Wherein the Doctor and Leela, in reduced circumstances, wander about inside the Gallifreyan’s brain, hotly pursued by a hairy-eyed Hitler. Signs are spelt orl rong, a certain metal dog makes his debut as a violent virologist and a behemoth of a bottom-feeder gets pushed around on a skateboard, presumably in search of a suitably large barbeque upon which to end his days.
Now where did I put that Thousand Island dressing…?