"Top layer, if you want to say a few words."

Ooh that 12th / 14th / 271st Doctor is a silver-tongued charmer, isn't he?

Perhaps being poked into a mental Dalek has upset his equilibrium? Or maybe not. Who knows? Who nose? etc. etc.

So Jim and Martin go Into The Dalek and try to discover why the Doctor looks so sheepish, if Clara's was a happy slap, what makes punters qualify for Missy's Heaven and if random words do a character name make.

Listen to their aimless pontifications here.

"And don't look in that mirror. It's absolutely furious!"

Peter Capaldi is the Doctor and Jim and Martin escape their Classic Who bonds to observe him in his inaugural outing, Deep Breath.

It's a Victorian melodrama, featuring a newly-coatless tramp, two attack eyebrows, some amazingly tolerant Londoners and the only restaurant with a negative Michelin star count.

Is age just a number? Does offing a clockwork robot count as homocide? And is Murray Gold really playing a kazoo?

Find out here. Maybe.

"Clever. Clever. Clever."

Well, if the Cybermen are that bloomin' clever, they'd target the more body-conscious members of The Moonbase crew with their veiny virus too.

Never mind, the silver giants have plenty more plans up their practice golfball-studded sleeves and this spells trouble for the internationally-branded Boyz N The Base.

But they reckon without Gollum Doctor, a lead-swinging Jamie, Polly the Barista, and Ben "Know-it-all" Jackson.

Will the Cybermen be able to cope with the gravity of the situation? Just what will fire extinguishers look like in 2070 AD? And is Dr Evans the most active dead man in history?

Find out (maybe) here!

"You may be a doctor but I'm the Doctor – the definite article you might say."

A statement of intent from the fresh and dewy Tom Baker in his first ever story, Robot.

As well as being introduced to the boggle-eyed Bohemian, we continue the Adventures of Sarah Jane Smith, politely clap Benton's latest promotion and discover what the Brig does with his car keys (and more) at the weekends.

If that wasn't exciting enough, we also meet a crazy-haired professor, an unusually silent politician, a camp Neo-Nazi and Dennis Waterman's Hitlerian ex-wife – not to mention the limp-wristed tin man of the title.

So does the first Bakerian era start with a big bang or a wimpy whimper? Listen in to find out what Jim and Martin make of it all.

"This fellow's bright green apparently. And dead."

What's that you say? Green? And, more importantly, dead? This must be the 1973 Jon Pertwee quorn-clogged classic, The Green Death, then.

Wherein the Doctor escapes from Metebelis III and seeks comfort in some cosplay while Jo finds love, the Brig finds a dinner suit at the bottom of his overnight bag and Mike Yates finds the true inner peace that only BOSS's brainwashing can bring.

The miners display the survival instincts of lemmings, Dai and Fell fulfill their nominal destinies and Stevens reveals the new staff perk for Global Chemicals employees – a fully equipped S&M dungeon.

Throw in some horrific maggots and some horrifically bad special effects and you have something of a great big melting pot – of "delicious" fungus soup.

So is this a case of "there's lovely"? Listen in and find out.

"Lord Niiiimon… it is I, Soldeed…"

Words to strike terror into every self-respecting Doctor Who fan.

Yes, Jim and Martin scrape the very bottom of the cavernous Who barrel this time and confront The Horns of Nimon.

The budget is low but the camp is oh-so-very high. Tom Baker and Graham Crowden compete to bite the biggest chunks out of the unimpressive scenery, accompanied by the wrong Romana and the incorrect K9, while Janet Ellis longs desperately for her Blue Peter job offer to come through the post.

Marvel as trained dancers balance enormous bull masks on their heads and themselves on their ludicrous platform shoes. Gasp as the co-pilot flaps his jowls like a demented bloodhound. Consider suicide as Crowden and Baker have the time of their lives, at the expense of the production and its tormented viewers.

But is it so bad it's good? Or is it so bad that it'll split your trousers?

Listen in for Jim and Martin's verdicts on this pseudo-mythical mess.

"You can't mend people!"

Well tell that to a doctor – Who or otherwise.

And the Kinda can mend doolally folk too, turning them from sociopaths to simpletons by simply opening a box. A bit like Deal or No Deal in reverse.

But is Kinda a box of delights or one of Pandora's old cast-offs?

Well, Nyssa's barely in it so that's a promising start but Adric's face freaks Martin out, the presence of both Nerys Hughes and multiple Tegans sends Jim into a priapic frenzy and a moccasin-faced local keeps spouting spiritual riddles.

The Doctor is an idiot, Tegan has narcolepsy and Adric keeps trying to twok the TSS. Couple that with a jester who badly needs his puppet (and more) stamped on, an effete bloke from That's Life roaring like a frightened vole and the Universe's least enticing bouncy castle and you have something of a mixed bag.

But, when it comes to Kinda fans, are Jim and Martin among the We or the Not-We?

Listen and find out.

"The events will happen, just as they are written. I'm afraid so and we can't stem the tide. But at least we can stop being carried away with the flood!"

And there's a veritable flood of unexpected stars in the Season One closer, The Reign of Terror.

Rowan Atkinson captures the younger three-quarters of the TARDIS team, while Jonny Vegas bangs them up. Bill Murray busts them out only for Ian to nearly come a cropper at the hands of Rentaghost's Mr Meaker, who himself has another bust in mind when it comes to Babs.

And an extra gets his moment in the sun too – quite literally – as William Hartnell's Lime Grove-inspired agoraphobia prevents him from indulging in a spot of location filming.

The first Doctor's old body may already be wearing thin after walking all the way to Paris but he looks as robust as Charles Atlas next to his galactically feeble granddaughter Susan, who does more to imperil the time travellers than either First Deputy Robespierre or the last-past-the-post Traitor Party.

But even in 1794 or 1964, nothing is black and white, so who’s right and who’s wrong? Robespierre or Renan? Barbara or Ian? Jim or Martin?

Listen and decide…

"Chap with the wings there… five rounds rapid!"

And lo… animated gargoyle, Bok, was treated to several speedy ales at Ye Olde Cloven Hoofe tavern, a far preferable fate than a dance with Mike Yates.

Yes, it's the 1971 occult classic, The Daemons – a satanic saga of a renegade reverend, a vile verger, tiresome TV chaps and a reticule-swinging spinster.

Yates and Benton are wearing civvies, Jo's wearing a sacrificial robe and the Doctor's just wearing.

Who is the Brig's bedfellow? Just what does Garvin get up to with ferrets? And has there ever been a valid justification for Morris Dancing?

You'll burn up with excitement. You'll freeze in terror. And you'll believe a sprightly yellow roadster can drive itself.

Open up the podcast and bring death and destruction to your mental faculties…

"It's the end… but the moment has been prepared for."

The final words of the boggle-eyed mentalist octogenarian Tom Baker, just prior to being trampled by a crusty ballet dancer and so triggering his metamorphosis into the world's wettest vet.

Jim and Martin start this episode by skewering The Time of the Doctor but then evaluate another regeneration story, 1981's Logopolis.

The fourth Doctor is old and grumpy and the Master is new and campy, while Adric "wunts" to help, Tegan wants to fly and Nyssa just wants to have fun, despite losing her step mother, father and planet in short order.

Can Noel Edmonds keep the fabric of the Universe together? Can the Doctor's plan to literally flush out the Master be any more ludicrous? And can Anthony Ainley make any more of a meal of pressing a button?

Listen here to find out.

"Proof! Proof! Proof! It always comes back to the same thing."

Well that's what we were all saying when rumours were rife about the recovery of missing episodes, and is also the Doctor's mantra in this now-extant artefact.

Recently exhumed six-parter, The Enemy of the World, is the tale of a Hancock-alumnus with rant-management problems, a shouty youth with claustrophobia and a wet girlfriend, and a jug-eared sociopath who has his hair chewed rather than cut.

The Doctor, meanwhile, is wearing his hair in a new way, Jamie is wearing a gimp suit and Victoria is just wearing.

Did the helicopters, hovercrafts and most pointless piece of machinery in Who history blow our minds or just the budget?

Find out here.

"I don't want to go!"

A popular phrase this Doctor Who 50th Anniversary weekend. And maybe Jim didn't fancy the visit to Martin's house and all the danger that entailed.

But there was Who to be celebrated and our intrepid podcasters braved crowds, a clergyman and an under-cooked Dalek cake to pay their respects to the venerable Time Lord.

And here's what they made of the veritable (Verity-able?) smorgasbord of Who delights...

"This doesn’t roll along on wheels, you know!"

So there you have it, time travel technology explained in a nutshell.

Yes, it's An Unearthly Child - the first ever four episodes of a wee programme called Doctor Who. We give it six months, if it's lucky…

It's a grimy old saga that begins with a foggy junkyard, a crafty old weasel and a police box that's ALIVE!

Then we go back to our roots and join a convivial bunch of skull-cracking cave people, including a greasy-wigged leader, a prehistoric Lady Macbeth, a mighty-nosed sex pest and a poor man's King Yrcanos.

Ian gets a shock, Babs gets hysterical, Susan gets her freak on and the Doctor gets on everyone's nerves.

Fagin takes on Greg Sutton in a bone-splitting, pumpkin-smashing fight to the death, while Babs borrows Susan's infamous trip-every-trip footwear for a moonlit dash to TARDIS.

So is the dawn of Mankind a good place to kick off our favourite Adventure in Space and Time? Listen in and find out…

"The great god Vulcan must be enraged. It's so volcanic. It's like some sort of volcano."

Marvel as the next Doctor forges new vocabulary before your very eyes…

Yes, it's Peter Capaldi, in a previous life, as a patriarch who escapes a pumice pummelling. But it's David Tennant as the legendary Time Lord who saves his future self from The Fires of Pompeii, with the aid of his trusty Water Pistol of Death.

It's a tale of armless augurs, stony seers and Sybelline Sisters as born-again Welsh folk Mr and Ms Spartacus end up with prime seats for the Monsters of Rock.

Are fixed points in time pointless? Has Amy Pond branched out into Sister-of-Karn-o-grams? And is the only way up for danders?

Listen in as Jim and Martin, neither household names nor household gods, let their thoughts erupt.

"Lots of planets have a north!"

Yes, the grinning, jug-eared bloke from Northern Gallifrey makes his debut in 2005’s seminal legend-resuscitator, Rose.

Everyone’s favourite chav, the eponymous Rose Tyler, has a bronze medal in under-7s gymnastics, a boyfriend who goes from annoying to plastic to basket case in 45 minutes and a Mum who all but twerks at passing strangers.

No wonder she fancies a spot of travel. But first she must deal with plastic non-students, a disembodied arm, an internet weirdo and an angry vat of custard. These things happen when a benevolent alien blows up your job.

So what do Jim and Martin make of their tentative foray into nascent NuWho? Find out here (just don’t mention the belching wheelie bin).

"It's rather a pity, in a way. Now the universe is down to six hundred and ninety nine wonders."

The Doctor reacts badly to the news of Girls Aloud splitting up. Luckily, the Krynoid Podcast is here to take his mind off it.

After giving Cold War, Hide and Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS the once-over, Jim and Martin travel back in time to 1974 for Death to the Daleks - a tale of disarmed Daleks, operatic Exxilons and homicidal hoovers from the City of Dave.

They play 'Spot the Terry Nation Trope' while also wondering just how terrifying a patch of two-toned flooring can be.

With an empty Dalek 'standing' about and a blushing high priest channeling Spike Milligan, they ask 'Who is the real goon?'

And they plead with Carey Blyton to stop using sax as a weapon.

So why not dive in? Come on, the water's effervescent...

“The age of man is over, Doctor. The age of the virus has begun.”

Oh dear. Time to run this file through McAfee then?

No. Fret Not. These words are spoken by a giant prawn to a Time Lord, just after exiting his body through his tear duct. Yes, this can only be Tom Baker’s bonkers brain-centric epic, The Invisible Enemy.

Wherein the Doctor and Leela, in reduced circumstances, wander about inside the Gallifreyan’s brain, hotly pursued by a hairy-eyed Hitler. Signs are spelt orl rong, a certain metal dog makes his debut as a violent virologist and a behemoth of a bottom-feeder gets pushed around on a skateboard, presumably in search of a suitably large barbeque upon which to end his days.

Now where did I put that Thousand Island dressing…?

"He's not the Great One. He's the Insignificant One. If you're going to have someone imitate Kroll, it ought to be more convincing." 

Yes, it's everyone's worst Christmas nightmare – an enormous Brussels Sprout with its accompanying surfeit of methane. Only this time it's a giant squid god who menaces a model, gives a Time Lord a tentacular tourniquet and reminds some Swampies that it really isn't easy being green. 

Romana goes off seafood, the Doctor loves the sound of breaking glass and Thawn hates just about anyone who isn't Thawn. 

Green crevices, bushy gates and the imminent threat of dangly-bit exposure must have kept Mary Whitehouse on full alert but did The Power of Kroll float Jim and Martin's canoes? 

Find out here.

“I had to do what I did. It was my moral duty. You do understand, don't you?”

Naughty General Carrington tries to justify his nefarious programme of kidnap, murder and the pursuit of pregnant women in the 1970 astronaut caper, The Ambassadors of Death.

Jim and Martin discuss displaced Frenchie faces, play spot the unborn head and debate the nutritional value of an isotope breakfast.

Who is the coolest guest character? Can UNIT sentries really come back from the dead? And which dried-fruit-in-a-prophylactic does Jon Pertwee resemble most?

The answers to all these questions can only be found here (well, the last one at least... maybe).

Jim's brother, Rob, trails the forthcoming Ambassadors of Death episode of the Krynoid Podcast. Creating the trailer before Jim and Martin even had their discussion, he makes some rather uncanny predictions...

"Take them to the Security Kitchen!"

Perhaps the Universe's only combined containment and mass catering facility can be found on The Ark, the location of the 1966 Hartnell space opera of the same name.

Jim and Martin walk its corridors to find humans in their underwear and the Fab Four (along with the Groovy One, the Trendy Two and the Gear Three), all suffering horrendously bad hair days.

The Doctor gets an invisible friend, Steven fails to notice a potential girlfriend and Dodo is unlikely to make any new friends, bearing as she does a vile infection and a variable accent.

Is the future of Mankind in safe hands or should the weirdly affable Boris Karloff and the Richard III wannabe keep one eye on the Monoids? Find out here...

"Do you think bullets could stop me now? You stinking offal Morgus! Look at me!!"

So says a man in a gimp suit deep in the blowholes of Androzani Minor. Yes, Jim and Martin take a look at Peter Davison's last hurrah and finest hour as he goes through hell to save Peri in the 1984 classic The Caves of Androzani.

There's soldiers, gunrunners, androids, a rubbish monster, a revenge-seeking hairy-handed, Peri-infatuated madman and an evil and ruthless bag of slime. Can the Doctor weave his way through them all and save Peri? Only just...

Is it as good as its reputation suggests? Listen in and find out.

"Harry Sullivan is an imbecile!"

Harsh words perhaps but the salty surgeon did nearly kill the Doctor… twice.

Yes, it's the 1975 space opera, Revenge of the Cybermen, in which our intrepid TARDIS team battle a slimy U-Boat commander, an emotional silver giant and a horde of mad blinged-up old women.

The Doctor's narcoleptic, Harry's apoplectic and Sarah may well go septic so take the slow train with Jim and Martin and see whether all that glitters is gold.

"Oh shame!"

Just Brigadier Winifred Bambera's catchphrase or also a two-word review of the 1989 Sylvester McCoy story, Battlefield?

You decide as Jim and Martin sit huddled in No Man's Land while iffy dialogue, dodgy acting and poor special effects zing past their tortured eyes and ears, only finding solace in their most puerile running gag yet.

They ponder weighty issues such as the merits of film over video, the mysteries of chemistry, McCoy's anger mismanagement and the messier side of the Brig's descent into senility.

They say all is fair in love and war but is the KP review fair? Listen and decide...

"I always find that violent exercise makes me hungry. Don't you agree?"

Yes, Gallifrey's very own silver-haired and rather wrinkly James Bond is at it again in 1972's salty six-part saga, The Sea Devils.

Jim and Martin marvel as the Doctor frolics above, on and below the sea, Jo fights, frets and flies a hovercraft and the Master shows off most of his wardrobe (string vests strangely absent).

Mr Creosote rolls in from Whitehall and eats everything in his path, Trenchard bores the hind legs off a donkey and Cap'n Hart offs an alarming amount of amphibians.

All that with copious sandwiches thrown in. Who could ask for more from Who? 

"Fail me and you will breakfast on burning coals!"

Count Federico introduces Renaissance Italy's hot new diet sensation in the 1976 pseudo-historical epic, The Masque of Mandragora.

The fourth Doctor and Sarah wander round The Village watching look-unlikes fighting and mounting horses, while avoiding executioner's swords, sacrificial knives and cockernee pikemen's pikes.

Gert and Daisy get chained up, the Doctor and Sarah get dressed up and Pat Gorman and Stuart Fell get messed up by the Mandragoran Helix while the light shines out of Hieronymous's eye-holes.

And Dr Phill drops by to give us his expert opinion on the music - made and found - for this one.

Get Jim and Martin's verdict on this 15th Century sword and sorcery spectacular now!

They say "when in Rome, do as the Romans do".

But Barbara wants no part of what Nero wants to do and Ian has had a belly full of orders from the expansionist Italians. The Doctor and Vicki, meanwhile, have a great time lying about lyres and nearly poisoning a despot but it's no surprise when it all goes up in flames.

This episode can also be found at iTunes/Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Audible and all other podcatchers (as far as we know).

The Doctor and Romana find themselves slumming it in a pocket-sized parallel universe.

Worse still, they land on the home world of - loathe him or hate him - that Alzarian irritant, Adric. Chuck in a few indecisive Deciders, some evolving arachnids and a bunch of amphibian Gumbies, and it's another trying jaunt for our two intrepid Time Lords.

This episode can also be found at iTunes/Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Audible and all other podcatchers (as far as we know).

The Doctor is still on trial with the Time Lords and this is his dubious evidence for the defence.

Finding himself in a garden centre canteen in space with an unintroduced companion, the Doctor meets an old acquaintance, an elderly Avenger and some arboreal enemies.

Warning: this episode ends with two over-refreshed old farts moaning (at some length).

This episode can also be found at iTunes/Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Audible and all other podcatchers (as far as we know).

The Doctor takes Tegan back to see some of her history with the usual unwelcome results.

Is King John quite himself? Why is he so keen on meeting Demons? And, more to the point, why does he employ a barely disguised renegade Time Lord with an outrageous accent?

This episode can also be found at iTunes/Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Audible and all other podcatchers (as far as we know).

The Doctor saves Jo Grant from a date with Mike Yates but at what cost?

The intrepid pair find themselves in a medieval mise en scene and encounter several forms of green galactico, including Ice Warriors, Arcturus and phallic fraidy cat, Alpha Centauri. But who is the real villain?

This episode can also be found at iTunes/Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Audible and all other podcatchers (as far as we know).

The Doctor and K9 have a Time Lady forced upon them and are sent on a quest for some lumps of perspex.

They find the first on a parky planet but, before they can get their hands on it, they have to contend with a couple of conmen, a whack job warlord, a rubbery reptile and a mad old dear with antlers.

This episode can also be found at iTunes/Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Audible and all other podcatchers (as far as we know).

The Universe's least favourite motorised dustbins are back and this time they've come to papa.

They're hoping devious daddy, Davros, will cure their lurgy but Ol' One Eye, with the questionable help of Dirty Den, has other plans. It's up to the Doctor and co to bat off Bob Ferris and save the day. But not everyone will make it back to the TARDIS...

This episode can also be found at iTunes/Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Audible and all other podcatchers (as far as we know).

The Doctor and Leela's day trip turns into a nightmare when they wind up at a wave-lashed Edwardian lighthouse.

Throw in a selfish toff, an hysterical harridan and a homicidal Brussels sprout and you have the perfect recipe for a sleepless night.

This episode can also be found at iTunes/Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Audible and all other podcatchers (as far as we know).

In a future world where men (almost) wear their y-fronts outside their jump suits, T-Mat is the mode of travel du jour.

But when a troop of myopic Martians mince into a moon base, it's time for the Earthmen to polish their rockets and get ready for a foam party that'll put Ibiza to shame.

This episode can also be found at iTunes/Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Audible and all other podcatchers (as far as we know).

This time it's all change as Sylvester McCoy with a wig regenerates into Sylvester McCoy without a wig.

The Rani cosplays as Mel Bush while the Doctor plays the spoons (and the fool) and the whole thing can only be described as batfood crazy.

This episode can also be found at iTunes/Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Audible and all other podcatchers (as far as we know).

Roving reporter, Sarah Jane Smith, gets more of a scoop than she bargained for when she gatecrashes UNIT's scientist sleepover.

But although she meets a roistering robber baron, a lily-livered lord and a stranded space toad (not to mention Dot Cotton and Boba Fett), she fails to get an interview with any of them.

The First Doctor and chums go for a whistle-stop tour of the wonderful world of Marinus.

Which is a great holiday venue, providing you avoid its cities, mountains, seas and jungles. And the intrepid traveller should also beware of flappy-footed gimps, trouserless tour guides, randy trappers and the Knights Who Say "Ni".

The Doctor and Romana go on their hols for a water and bouillabaisse blowout by the banks of the Seine. 

Naturally, things do not run smoothly as an ancient alien, a mad scientist and a pugilistic private dick muddy the waters and they're surrounded by fake, if enigmatic, smiles.

The Third Doctor probably thought things were bad enough - stuck on Earth as he was with a dud TARDIS, a scatty hippy and a bunch of squaddies.

But now he has to contend with CSO in his sink, a bunch of Mr Blobbys on his lawn and a loud-mouthed mentalist with a grudge. Luckily his former selves turn up to make things even worse. 

Avian headgear ahoy! Yes, the Black and White Guardians are back to oversee a space race in which Turlough goes overboard, Gladys Emmanuel is over the top and Leeee John is overestimated as an actor.

The Sixth Doctor gets a second outing with this tale of hard men, frigid women and a Fat Controller. And marvel as Jim shamelessly steals Fry and Laurie material in the intro.

Time for the story which gave our pod its name. A horticultural tale in which an artistic old bat recovers a debt, a tree-hugger becomes compost and Boycie ends up out of his depth with a gardening problem.

Burn your chess boards and steer clear of the beach... Fenric's in town! Look out for teenage vamps, ancient vampires and the strangest chat-up of all time. And give Nicholas Parsons just a minute of your time before crying "stunt casting!"

Doctor Who is required to suffer a swinging night club, a controlled companion and a Savile comparison, all while trying to defeat a computerised menace with a vendetta against cardboard boxes.

An absolute banger involving our newly dandified hero stealing a banger. Plastic killers, a shiny receptionist and a tea-dribbling basket case thrown in.

Watch out for obelisks, chessboards and mind probes - it's The Five Doctors!

Harry fiddles with a knob, Sarah passes out and the Doctor gets in a sweat on The Ark in Space.

Adric trips over nothing and Richard Mace runs off for a squirter. Don't miss the lads' take on The Visitation.

The lads get their minds fudged by The Mind Robber.

This time, Jim and Martin gaze in horror at a video nasty which intends to be a searing indictment of [checks notes...] video nasties. 

Jim and Martin delve into the patchy Seventh Doctor era and pull out a plum.

Time to enter the creaky world of black and white Who with a sojourn on the mysterious, blurred planet of Vortis!

Our first dip into the Third Doctor's era sees Jim and Martin discussing The Claws of Axos.

Our second episode, in which Jim and Martin get on to the meat and potatoes of the podcast, discussing the Tom Baker solo outing, The Deadly Assassin.

This is the first of our earliest 30 Krynoid PodCast episodes which we've uploaded to our podcast hosts Libsyn so that all of our episodes are accessible from the same place. They should now appear in order of publication wherever you find them.

In this inaugural episode, a very tentative sounding Jim and Martin discuss their history with Doctor Who and compare NuWho to Classic Who.

Apologies for the sound quality. It does get better in future episodes. And apologies for Jim's over use of samples. They start and stop here.