Sat, 14 February 2015
"There are three physical gateways and the three are one. The whole of this domain, the ancient arch, the mirrors. All the gateways are one."
You what? Run that by me again...
Don't expect any more sense than this from anyone else, for this is Warriors' Gate - a tale with dialogue so oblique it makes Samuel Beckett sound like Dan Brown.
It's an odd sort of a place too, wherein suits of armour give history lessons, lion men fail to tip waitresses and everywhere could do with a touch of colour to cheer it up a bit.
The Doctor's flipping, Adric's tossing and Romana's turning away from her TARDIS chums. K9's lost his marbles and Rorvik's losing his rag as his bumbling underlings are set to lose the E-Space/N-Space Crew of the Year competition by some margin.
So will Jim and Martin stagger through the choking fog of befuddlement to reach the sunlit uplands of understanding? Or will what remains of their brains melt in the attempt?
Listen in to find out.
Thu, 15 January 2015
“It's all in there somewhere. Caramel, sherbet, toffee, marzipan, gelling agents, it's all in motion.”
No, not a description of Jim and Martin's stomachs on Christmas night but rather the innards of the Kandy Man, part-time lethal confectioner and full-time Bertie Bassett stunt double.
Yes, we're on Terra Alpha, a dystopian colony ruled over by painted Thatchalike, Helen A, and her gun-toting Hen Party, The Happiness Patrol.
The over-athletic Doctor plays the spoons, the occasionally-catatonic Earl plays the harmonica and horrid old Helen A plays with her Fifi - her hermaphrodite wolf-poodle, that is. We don't know what you were thinking...
The unrealistic streets teem with low-speed traffic and shambling work-shy drones while, underneath, pound-shop Yodas bark unintelligibly about Gordon Bennett.
And the TARDIS turns pink, as do Whovian cheeks when the Kandy Man appears while any Not-We are in the room.
So did Jim Y and Martin Z enjoy watching it? Or was the experience as hollow as Sylv and Sophie's laughter?
Listen in to find out.
Mon, 15 December 2014
"This game of hide and seek through time is wearing a little thin now."
We couldn't have put it better ourselves, Chesterfield.
Yes, it's the 1965 Dalek story The Chase we're talking about - a tale of bagpipe creatures, a highly annoying hayseed, living vegetation (gasp!), under-utilised plungers and a space pilot with a panda fetish.
The Doctor encounters a robot look-unlike, Ian 'dad dances', Babs plays cowboys and Indians and Vicki laughs like a loon.
The Daleks are no more impressive, hoisting their skirts and staggering through the six episodes in a quagmire of coughing, nonsensical chanting and painfully slow mental arithmetic.
Jim and Martin search for some meaning to it all but do they find it?
Listen here to find out.
Mon, 24 November 2014
"In my presence, you are an ant, a termite. Abase yourself, you grovelling insect!"
So once again Sutekh's arrogance management classes fail to deliver and he's left in his sub-Saqqaran tomb for a few more centuries, waiting for another gentleman caller.
And he had a lot going for him: a puppet archaeologist, a loyal (if irascible) Egyptian organist, a low-tech PIN-pincher and some busty yummy mummies.
Laurence is wide-eyed, the Doctor is boggle-eyed and Marcus has eyes like piddle-holes in the snow, while Sarah is eyeing an escape route to 1980 (but not the crappy one).
Why is Sutekh's cell so well-appointed? Why doesn't someone push a broom around the priory every now and then? And just who is Eternity's Cushion Plumper?
Listen to find out if the answers lie in the Pyramids of Mars and what score (hint hint) Jim and Martin give the serial.
Wed, 12 November 2014
"I am an idiot with a box and a screwdriver."
So after 12 weeks of soul-searching and self-scrutinisation, this is the conclusion the Doctor comes to.
Not the only disappointment, perhaps, during the two-part Series 8 finale, Dark Water and Death in Heaven.
Clara is not the Doctor, Missy is the Master (though perhaps not one worthy of the name) and Dead Danny becomes a Cyberman who saves the world. So far, so predictable.
But a Time Lord travelling by Mary Poppins' umbrella, an undead metallic Brigadier and skeletons who become Cybermen after a bout of inclement weather are a little less by-the-book.
But did Jim and Martin feel it all amounted to a satisfying end to the excellent Series 8? Or an embarrassing, drunken hurling-up after a feast of great Who?
Listen in to find out.
Tue, 4 November 2014
No, we're not saying Dark Water was a non-episode - just that we're not going to do an individual podcast episode on it.
Instead, we'll wait until the full two-part Series 8 finale is completed - Dark Water and Death in Heaven - before opening our pie-holes and spewing forth.
After 10 weeks straight, we're sure your ears could do with the rest.
See you in a week or so...
Jim & Martin Krynoid
Wed, 29 October 2014
"Farewell to the Ice Age. Welcome to the Tree Age. Possibly."
Chilling words (possibly), even to the most ardent of tree-huggers.
So the world is covered in trees and the TARDIS is swarming with children in the latest series 8 episode, In the Forest of the Night.
The Doctor tries to work out what's going on, Clara tries to remember she's a teacher, Danny tries to dazzle the eye(s) of the tiger and the kids try everyone's patience.
Wolves chase people (slowly), Nelson's Column droops and a missing person is found in a shrubbery.
So Jim and Martin can't help being reminded of the words of the White Guardian: "Nothing will happen. Nothing at all. Ever..."
Fri, 24 October 2014
"As from today... I can put any brain into any body, anywhere."
Maybe there's finally hope for the Krynoid Pod boys then?
Whether or not they're up for a shaved head and a sex change is another matter but that is the fate of Kiv, chief Mentor and mega-capitalist Sil-botherer, at the expense of poor old Perpugilliam Brown.
Is the scenery of Thoros Beta competing with Old Sixie's coat for day-glo garishness? Can the Lukoser shut his mouth? Come to that, can Brian Blessed shut his mouth? Please.
Mindwarp is the second section of The Trial of a Time Lord but did Jim and Martin find watching it to be a mind-warping trial?
Find out here.
Addendum: this podcast was recorded before the sad news of Lynda Bellingham's passing. She was a well-loved actress and a very funny lady and, whatever happened around her in season 23, her performance as the Inquisitor was never less than excellent. Our thoughts are with her friends and family and this podcast episode is dedicated to her memory.
Wed, 22 October 2014
"Why Doctor Oswald, you are hilarious!"
So Clara plays the Doctor, Rigsy plays her companion and the Doctor plays Thing from The Addams Family in the latest series 8 episode, Flatline.
The TARDIS has shrunk and swallowed the Doctor, while rugs are swallowing people and Danny may not be swallowing Clara's tall tales.
Would you sacrifice yourself for the price of a hairband? Would you take a personal call while trying to combat an alien attack in a swinging chair? And can you pull off a TARDIS-backed hermit crab cosplay?
Jim and Martin ponder these three-dimensional problems through the single medium of sound.
Wed, 15 October 2014
"Are you my mummy?"
Yes, they couldn't resist it.
No blitz-dodging, gasmark-wearing nippers this time though, just a rancid old vet that even a decent vet couldn't save.
For he is the Mummy on the Orient Express who, despite his state-of-the-art soldiering kit is not really what the passengers had in mind when they were promised "all mod cons".
The Doctor plays Poirot, Clara looks in need of a Charleston and Perkins bears an uncanny resemblance to "that disc jockey" (but thankfully not the white-haired Hartnell-alike).
Jelly babies are shared, old ladies fulfill their job descriptions and the kitchen staff are let outside for a breath of fresh vacuum.
But is it a rattling good locomotive of an episode? Or derailed stock which refuses to roll?
Jim and Martin take rather more than 66 seconds to decide.